A friend's father is starting to lose his memory and spend money he shouldn't spend. He may get better, but for now he needs help. The friend is in Texas and the father is in Florida. He does not want to move him to Texas if he doesn't have to. Here is what he is thinking to keep his father from overspending:

1. He will open an account for his father in Texas with a bank that does not have branches in Florida. That will keep his father from going to a branch and making a withdrawal.

2. His father will give him a power of attorney so he can transact business on his father's account at the bank in Texas.

3. He will have all of his father's income (pension/social security) direct deposited into the Texas bank.

4. He will pay all his father's bills from the Texas bank. Most will be done by bill paying service.

5. With all his bills paid, his father will just need money for groceries and spending money. (His father does not drive any more.)

6. He will send money to his father's bank in Florida every week or every two weeks. His father will not have a check book and will pull cash out as he needs it.

He hopes this will keep his father from overspending and from being taken advantage of.

Any advice?

Your friend is trying to do the right thing. From personal experience, I know that some seniors can be taken advantage of financially. There is a fine balance needed to determine just how much cash Dad needs, and I know that Tex will need to communicate often and compassionately with his dad. At some point, Tex will also have to address the more insidious parts of what may be happening to his Dad. If dementia is attacking him, financial safety is the only the first of his worries.

Dad may soon need more attention than this long-distance relationship can provide. Tex needs to keep good communication going with not only his dad but also his dad's physician and friends. He needs to know when he has to escalate his involvement.

Thanks John. I spoke with "Tex" Saturday while we were watching the college games together.

I actually told him that he shoud consider bringing his dad to Texas "temporarily." If his problems can be taken care of, then it truly will be temporary, but Tex will be better able to assist in the mean time: drive him to doctor's appts, take care of his finances, etc.... If it turns out to be permanent, then he'll most likely need to move him to Texas anyway. Either way, I told him, a move to Texas would probably help.

The man is only 64, so hopefully, it is not full blown dementia.

Thanks for your concern.

I share your hope for this gentleman and his son. And I sincerely hope that Tex's attempts to help aren't viewed with hostility by an independent father. If Tex can handle this with the grace that his father deserves, they will both be better for it.

His father does not have any valuable property or real property. If he does not bring him to Texas, do you think the list I gave above is a fair way to handle this? Can you think of any alernative for handling the banking. A guardianship is premature because he is competent and it would be very expensive in relation to the father's few assets.

I think the steps outlined above are excellent if Dad gives his assent. Tex should just be alert to changes in Dad's situation to make sure he can ratchet things up if and when needed.

Well, I can think of a couple of issues that may cause concern. First, how is Dad going to access the funds? If he is having issues with memory, can he expect to retain his PIN number on an ATM card? Or will he need to write it down, which is always a problem. Ging in to the bak to cash a check may present less of a problem, but if Dad isn't driving, does he have proof of ID? With Tex being 5 states away, it will be difficult to deal with this on a daily basis. Is there another relative or trusted friend that can be relied upon in the short term to assist Dad in this? At least until it can be determined whether this is temporary or permanent?

You may also want to have your friend check some of the resources available in his dad's area for the elderly. We have a non-profit group here in our small town that assists the elderly with balancing their checkbooks, paying bills, rides to the bank, etc. All of the folks in our group are bonded so come with a sense of security. I am sure there would be something similar in FL - AARP or the State's bureau of adult/elder services might be a good place to start.

Just a few words from one who's been through this. We didn't realize until after my father died (from something else) exactly how much he was able to hide from us about his memory. For example, he started calling the females in his life "sweetie". I thought it was soooo cute, but after he was gone I realized that he knew that he "knew" us, but didn't know exactly who each of us was. It's not done to be mean, they're just embarrassed and trying to cover it up. It has to be so scary when it's happening to you. Please make sure your friend is keeping his eyes open and it also may be a good idea to take Dad in to the doctor to get another opinion. Your friend may also want to do some research on Alzeimer's (sp?) and dimentia. It sounds like he's trying to do his best for his Dad and that certainly can't hurt. It can be very difficult...your friend will also need friends like you. Good luck to all....

You may want to also suggest to Tex that he get his father's consent to release medical information to Tex. With the HIPPA laws, even sympathetic physicians are unable to discuss medical information with family members. And Dad may not remember, or be willing, to share the information on his own. The same goes for insurance companies, if Dad has private insurance.

An aside question, from one in a similar situation: Would it be possible for Tex to move to Florida? Some concerns that I have seen are things like forgetting that something is turned on (the stove, the bathtub, etc.), phishing phone calls, and other problems associated with aging.

Bankers deal with seniors all the time and we are often powerless to step in, even when we see potential problems unfolding before our eyes. I can remember clearly an elderly lady who would come into the bank every day and cry because she didn't understand the mail that had been sent to her house. We would go over everything with her every day, but were powerless to stop her when she "lent" a substantial amount of money to her "caretakers." who, of course, ripped her off.

It is a hard situation, and I sympathize with Tex. The sugestions already posted are a good start. Thank you for being a concerned friend.

This is a good time for "Tex" to make sure things are in order while Dad is still reasonably competent. Make sure the DL is either kept up to date or converted to a State ID at renewal time. (Dad can't fly without a current ID.)

Unregistered made a very good point, about the older person trying to "cover up". You see it happening all the time, especially when it is a couple. One will compensate for the other. They have a system of checks and balances for each other, but when one gets sick, the house of cards comes falling down.

As the long-distance children, we don't want to believe it is happening. "Tex" should go for an extended visit to Florida, more than just a long weekend.

Good recommendations have been made by all the above.

Been there myself, more than once.