Hello. I apologize in advance for a longer-than-usual post. This is a matter of great importance to me, and I respectfully ask for your tolerance.

It is with genuine concern for my mother that I'm looking for any advice anyone can give me regarding what I can do to try and put a stop to her financially irresponsible behavior that most likely has caused her much trouble for decades and has no doubt affected everyone around her.

My mother has never handled money responsibly. My father, from whom she has been divorced for 12 years, still has bank statements from the '80s that show NSF charges and even has the actual returned checks. After divorcing my father, she filed for bankruptcy. This was about 11 years ago.

She remarried about a year later. She and her husband fought about money frequently. She hid many things from him as far as her financial dealings. She even had statements mailed to my father's (her ex-husband) address so her new husband wouldn't find out about them. She eventually divorced this man and received a large sum of money from his retirement account and home equity. Within a year, she had spent all the money from the home equity and had emptied her retirement account of all funds she had contributed as well as the funds transferred to her as part of the divorce. I'm sure the penalties and taxes from these early withdrawals were immense.

She now lives with her boyfriend about an hour's drive away from me. She is hiding many things from him as far as finances. He has told her she needs to control her spending, so she hides her spending behavior from him.

She has not paid any of her bills and almost all credit accounts are either in collections or have been charged off. She has less than $50 in her savings account. She works full-time. She does not pay rent or utilities; her boyfriend pays those. She makes approximately $2100 a month, which is not a lot, but certainly adequate for someone to live off of if they have no rent or utilities to pay. I have no idea how she is spending her money, but she always seems to be broke.

During a six-month period last year, she incurred $1500 in overdraft fees from her bank. I learned this by looking at her bank statements that were in her desk drawer. I counted that she had bounced over 50 checks during that six-month period. The bank never closed the account, and the WA State Attorney General probably knows nothing about this activity.

She has since closed that checking account. She owes the bank $800 because she maxed out her direct deposit advance, cancelled direct deposit, and just abandoned the account. She has since opened a new account at another bank and has written numerous bad checks on that account.

She owes doctors, dentists, major credit card companies, and store charge card issuers money.

Last year, my younger brother was hit by a car as a pedestrian. The insurance company sent his settlement check to my mother because they overlooked the fact that he was over 18. They, in believing my bother was a minor, instructed my mother that she was to safely keep the funds until my bother "turned 18." Of course, she immediately cashed the check, and the money was spent within a week. My father learned of this matter and went straight to the insurance company, and they issued a check directly to my brother. My mother still owes the insurance company reimbursement for the funds she took.

She owes me tens of thousands of dollars from the past five years. She owes my brother about $1,000. Her deceased mother's (my grandmother) ring has been in a pawnshop for a couple years. Every time she gets any money, it is gone within moments. She is 47 years old with only $50 to her name, yet she works full-time and has done so for the past 29 years.

I'm looking for any advice that anyone can give me. This spending activity certainly not healthy behavior in any respect, and I have great concern for her future. I have tried to get her brother and sister (my aunt and uncle) involved. My aunt drove quite a distance to meet with my mother, and my uncle was there too. That was about a year ago. Since then, my mother has continued with her behavior, and my aunt and uncle most likely don't have time to deal with this.

I was hoping that maybe a scare tactic would work, where maybe I could file a complaint about a bounced check to the attorney general and notify them of her past activities, but I don't know how I would feel if she ended up going to jail for a substantial amount of time. Would they even consider prosecuting her? I know this may sound extreme, but I was hoping some sort of action like this might snap her out of this behavior, or at least be a good start to change the course she's on. I firmly believe that people should be prosecuted for bouncing a check at all, and definitely for ripping off creditors, but the fact that she is my mother makes it very hard for me to apply that belief to this particular case, and I recognize that is wrong.

Again, I would sincerely appreciate any comments or advice.

John

John,

Please forgive me if I sound harsh. That isn't my intent.

It sounds to me like you need the advice of a psychologist more than a banker. It appears that your mother has an addiction and dealing with the results but not the causes will do little good in the long run.

I am truly sorry for your situation.

I agree with Flaire. Is it possible that you mother is a manic depressive and doesn't know it? Perhaps a talk with her doctor. I ask this because I have a family member that was financially irresponsible and since he was diagnosed and is on meds, he is doing much better. He was also an alcholic, but the meds stopped his need to drink. Another thought, is it possible that your mom is gambling and no one knows. She may be paying off gambling debts. Just heard of a college kid this morning that got addicted to internet gambling and robbed a bank to pay off his debt. The most drastic thing you could do is declare her incomptent and take over her finances. Hope you find a solution.

I agree with Flaire. Get her to counseling so they can find out what is causing this need for instant gratification. Of course, since you have given her "tens of thousands" over the past 5 years, you are enabling her to continue this behavior. Until she is ready to stop, she won't. Don't become caught up in her dilema, be a loving son, but stop giving her money.

This is not what you want to hear, and you may have already considered it, but is it possible there's an alcohol or drug problem? Definately get her into counseling if at all possible, whatever the reason for her spending habits. Good luck and I sincerely hope things work out.

Even if she is not manic-depressive she may just not be able to handle money. There are some people out there that never learn how to manage money and they don't care. You said this has been going on for many years and 11 years ago she filed bankruptcy. If she hasn't learned how to manage her money by now she may never learn. If she is manic-depressive and has been for all these years it seems strange that a doctor wouldn't have diagnosed it.

As for helping her, other than having a court appointed conservator I am not sure what could be done. Here in MN when people haven't been able to manage their finances someone (social services, family) have presented the case to a judge and been appointed conservator to manage the money for them. You may want to check into that possibility.

Gosh, thank you for all the helpful replies.

I want to look into possibly a psychologist, as one poster recommended, and I'll also find out about the court-appointed conservator.

I recognize the fact that me lending her money just encourages the situation, but that was before I realized how severe this really was. It started off with me helping her with gas for her car and maybe some groceries, but then it progressed to where I was paying the attorney's fees for her divorce from her second husband and also paying medical bills and rent and utilities before she moved in with her boyfriend. I correctly stated above that it has gotten to the point where she literally owes me tens of thousands of dollars that I can truthfully say I would rather have saved and/or spent on myself. I think the manic-depressive theory is a possibility. The moment my aunt and uncle brought up why they had come to visit her (which was, of course, to confront her about her behavior), she broke down into tears and I clearly remember her words were, "I don't know who I am." I can honestly say that hearing that from her was very scary to me, and I probably still don't want to fully acknowledge the gravity of what's going on, but I do know something needs to happen.

I'll talk to my aunt some more and let her know about what you all have posted here and see if she can get involved, even if just at the beginning, so we can get my mom started in the help she needs.

Thanks again.

John

Was he of legal age when the accident occurred? Have you contacted the insurance company? They need to know that your brother is of legal age and that this money should go to your brother and not to your mother.

Also, you are not helping your mother by continually loaning her money. At some point, you have to learn to say "No." I know that is a hard thing to do, because I had to do it myself, not with my mother, but with another very close family member. Saying "no" does not mean you do not love her.

Besides a conservator, here is the only other advice that I can provide. My girlfriend's mom is the same way, spends every penny she can get her hands on as well as credit card debt and OD'ing checks. It got so bad that they had savings for RE taxes she completely spent and her dad found out when he had to come up with about $13000 in cash and go to the court house so they didn't lose the house. She also took out a second loan on their cars. My girlfriend at the time almost got her car repossessed due to this payday loan secured by her car. My GF's dad makes about $120,000/year and her mom works also. Her dad pays for all of the bills and house payments like your mother's husband does. Her dad took every credit card and access to money she had. He told her if she didn't agree and shape up he would divorce her. She agreed and now knows nothing of the house finances. She gets her weekly paycheck and doesn't have access to another penny. I would suggest that you talk to your stepfather and propose something similiar. I wouldn't recommend bringing in the feds or others into this matter. Depending on the situation she may receive jail time for passing bad checks or some other issue.